Death of a friendship

Unlike romantic love, there's just no question when it's over.

Friends come in all stripes, and like diamonds are transformed into value by pressure. Recently two friendships have imploded; one with lawyers and toxic e-mails, the other with an epic shouting match and squealing tires.

While not a central player in these relationships, I'm something more than a bystander. And the pain radiating off these people has a heat that burns my skin.

The first involves co-ownership of some valuable animals and a large piece of real estate. Like many agreements born of common interests and best friendship, discussion over drinks and many months, time and self interest ultimately clouded recollections and led to disagreement. Add in financial stress, more alcohol, revisionist history, and no signed contracts, and the situation has disintegrated past the point of hostile. A friendship in ruins, the lawyers are crossing swords, and it will get worse before it gets resolved.

The second involves an offer of help that was accepted and punished. Whether the offer was made in good faith or not is up for debate, but there's no question it was believed as sincere. A friendship that worked over some minor distance, failed temporary co-habitation. They say familiarity breeds contempt, and this time it surely did. Throw in a little over-statement of competency and probably some mental instability, and it's painfully obvious why this didn't work out well. Thankfully the end was swift, albeit incredibly ugly, but at least it's done.

I won't pretend to know how deep friendship between men functions. Between women, I only know that it's complicated. Perhaps we care too much, get too involved, take too much for granted. Perhaps that's why the end is so spectacularly unpleasant.

For me, being Friends isn't about shared politics or religion or sexual orientation any more than it's about skin color, income, or shoe size. It is about chemistry, unflinching trust, reliability, taking care to never take advantage, common priorities, and laughter. A lot of laughter, at the world, at and with each other, at ourselves.

True friendship, like a marriage, must withstand tests of both time and difficulty. Many also thrive despite distance. It's easy to be friends when times are good and things are simple; it's harder under adverse circumstances. I am blessed with a few really true Friends - I call them intimates. They know my darker moments and love me anyway; I've seen their weaknesses and love them anyway. People whose call for help I would unquestioningly answer with "Yes" or "I'm on the next plane", no detail required. What makes, to me, the distinction between friends and Friends is the reciprocity of that response.

So to my Friends... I love you. Thanks for having my back. I've got yours.

Relationships that have weathered and grown through the hard times - over the big stuff - are treasures beyond measuring. May each of us have at least one in our lives.